A Long Weekend

June 11, 2009

Kelley is thankful for ALL the people in my life who bless me every day. Flowers from a dear friend this morning reminded me just how incredibly lucky I am to have all sorts of people in my life to love and bless me in so many ways.

My dear friend Sondra sent these baby roses to me after a long weekend of living in the unknown.  They were beautiful just like Sondra and the many other family and friends who got me through a very long weekend.

Blessed for sure!!  But scared, sad, guilt, overwhelmed, and worried are better adjectives to describe the days leading to this post.  We were very excited to be heading to Dr. Egley's office that next Friday.  We were really looking forward to awesome sonogram photos and the possibility of finding out what our sweet baby was.  Two days before I received a call from my OB's office.  The results of my quad marker test had come back high for Down Syndrome.  I hung up the phone and thought, "this happens all the time, no big deal."  I told my husband it was no big deal and we were headed to the specialist in a few days anyway so we would find out more then.

Well "no big deal" came CRASHING down on us!!

As I finish this post, keep in mind that I am writing from my heart.

We went through the sonogram.  They were pretty certain it was a girl but had not gotten the perfect look.  We were both grinning......a princess on the way!!  How exciting.  Jeff's first words "A princess to take to Disney World."  Happy, happy, happy, and pure JOY!!

Then Dr. Egley sits down with us and he is very serious.  His tone is scaring me and I knew what was about to come was not what I was wanting to hear.  "Your quad marker test came back VERY high.  When I refigured the due date, it came back even higher.  Your baby has a 1 in 8 chance of having Down Syndrome."

Shock and disbelief over came me.  The knots were building in my stomach.

He continued "While we saw some really good things on the sonogram, we also saw some things to be concerned with and I think it would be best to do an amniocentesis.  We can do it here today.  Due to the high risk we will add a speciality test that will give us results in three days."

Okay....lets do it.  I just kept thinking....KEEP BREATHING!!

They sat us in a room while they got everything ready.  I couldn't speak, I couldn't look at my husband, I just wanted to crawl under the table and be by myself.  I will not cry, I will not acknowledge this right now.  Mind you I also tend to get this way when a procedure is coming and the fear of the amnio was also settling in.

Luckily I started to get my whits again......Even though I had said it was no big deal, it hadn't stopped me from looking some things up on line about the signs of Downs.  Things were coming back to me!  There are minor signs and signs that are more telling.  Dr. Egley said he saw good things, right??

We went in the procedure room and I asked what things they saw.  It was two minor things.  Measurements of the kidneys and bowels were off for my gestation.  This was a good sign but Dr. Egley was still quite worried.

The procedure did not take long.  I finally cried and definitely felt the needle puncture my precious uterus.  My husband stood right by me, he would not be a coward and watch from afar like they suggested.  Praying the baby would stay safe and praying everything would be okay.

The next three days were a struggle.  Thoughts of would my little girl be able to dance in the dance recital with her grandma and cousins some day?  Would Jeff ever have the opportunity to walk his little girl down the aisle?  Would my baby-sitter still want to watch her?  Would she be independent?  So many questions and so many emotions!

Anger at times........Why me?  Why us?  Why our family and little girl? 

GUILT.........amazing guilt set in!  How could I be so selfish and disappointed?  Didn't I just want a little girl?  Who was I to decide she wasn't perfect enough? 

Most of all, trust and faith!!  Knowing God would never give us more than we can handle.  Letting God use our situation to show others that things don't always go as planned.  Knowing that we would be amazing parents to any child God blessed us with.  No matter what we were ready to be the best parents ever!!

Our family struggled as well.  Some were in denial about the situation.  Some tried to be so positive that it just made me cry harder when I hung up the phone with them.  Some wept.........ones that I would never expect to cry, cried.  Most of all everyone LOVED us and PRAYED for us.  We had FAITH God would give us exactly what we needed and we would LOVE our little girl with all our hearts regardless!!

Monday finally arrived.  I had a meeting all day for a summer workshop at school.  It was a long day and as the meeting adjourned Dr. Egley himself called.  His first words "Kelley I have GREAT news for you!  The baby does not have Downs Syndrome."

She was healthy and free from any major chromosomal defects.  Some of the same emotions came again.  Was it okay to be happy and relieved?  What would I have felt had it been the other way?  Heavy with guilt over the fact that my sweet girl did not have Down Syndrome.

God taught us many things through this weekend.  Honestly by the end of the weekend Jeff and I had this distinct feeling that the baby did have Downs and we were handling this feeling quite well.  We knew God was in control and we knew that we loved our girl no matter what.  We learned so much those three days.  Three days of waiting, wishing, and having faith. 

Many more days of waiting and praying for our little girl were yet to come.  This was only the beginning of a roller coaster and honestly it was the hardest part for me.  God helped us get through this and made us stronger to handle the rest of our story with one word that many people have used to describe Jeff and I through our story: GRACE!